Asiah Abd Jalil

   I don’t plan to make it a surprise. Alhamdulillah, the doctor has confirmed that this time we are again expecting another boy, the third boy in our nucleus family. It was truely amazing, at 15 weeks of pregnancy, doctor dah boleh detect the sex of the baby. I was surprised, I tanya doctor, ”Are you really sure?” Masa anak-anak sebelum ni, even dah 20 weeks pun sometimes the doctor was not sure. Tengok macam I doubtful aje, Dr Teh, doktor yang sambut Adham lahir hari tu, said that we will make it sure during next scheduled antenatal check up. Tapi Dr Teh tunjuk la celah kelangkang baby, memang clearly boleh nampak the small penis. Kelakar gila! So, Insya Allah betul la tu.

   Ada parents tak eager sangat nak tahu the sex of the unborn baby. Boy or girl, diorang terima aje. Sometimes the parents themselves memang rasa nak surprise kan diri sendiri, tunggu dah lahir, masa tu tahulah. But for me, the sex of the baby in my womb really matters. Banyak sebabnya. The most important reason is my bond and connection developed during pregnancy period with the baby sangat dipengaruhi oleh whether the baby is boy or girl. Bila dah tahu jantina anak, I ada specific doa, specific harapan, specific kind of interaction. Bila tahu it is a boy, of course I akan doakan supaya dia jadi muslim yang soleh, if it is a girl, the doa would be semoga dia jadi muslimah yang solehah. Muslim dan muslimah lain peranannya dalam agama, keluarga dan masyarakat. Kalau boy, I doakan dia jadi anak yang soleh, kalau girl, I doakan jadi anak yang solehah. I really mean it, sebab anak lelaki dan anak perempuan lain harapan kita pada mereka. Kan lebih baik doa secara specific, instead of doa semoga anak kita jadi hamba Allah yang soleh, general aje tu. I juga jaga apa yang I makan based on jantina anak dalam kandungan. Kalau dah tahu mengandungkan anak lelaki, I will totally avoid minum air kacip fatimah, manjakani, semua yang trigger hormon orang perempuan. I pernah baca satu kajian tentang golongan pondan or lelaki lembut ni. Hasil kajian tu walaupun tak recognized, menunjukkan bahawa lelaki lembut ni terlebih hormon perempuan, dan salah satu sebabnya ialah amalan pemakanan mak dia masa mengandungkannya. Orang-orang perempuan sometimes makan benda-benda tu kononnya nak bagi mudah bersalin, but at the same time dalam tak sedar telah menyalurkan hormones yang salah pada baby. Besides that, I sangat cerewet buat persediaan sambut baby. I tak suka baju yang unisex, I suka baju yang memang untuk baby boy or baby girl, clear cut. I tak suka baby boy pakai tilam, bantal, towel, etc warna pink, and otherwise, baby girl pun I tak suka guna warna biru. Banyaklah lagi sebab lain. That’s why I memang nak tahu sangat-sangat baby dalam perut I ni boy or girl. Once dah tahu, the pregnancy will go on accordingly.

   Besides the gender, I juga tak plan nak make it surprise to the public about the name. Insya Allah, telah dipersetujui between me and Abang, we will name him, Muhammad Al Amin. Memang semua anak kami, kitorang berdua aje yang decide, tak peduli pun orang lain kata apa. Even saudara-mara tanya, apasal nama anak-anak kitorang tak canggih, kitorang buat bodoh aje. Hak memberi nama pada anak ialah hak ibu bapa, itu digariskan Islam. Bukan hak datuk nenek, or hak ustaz kat kampung. I pernah dengar kata orang-orang tua, tak baik reveal nama anak sebelum anak dilahirkan, kononnya akan jadi apa tah. Tapi sebab takde hadis, I takkan pegang kepercayaan tu. Yang I tahu, Rasulullah anjurkan bagi nama anak pada hari ketujuh kelahiran. Tapi kitorang decide nama anak as soon as dah scan jantina baby. Tak pernah dengar lagi ada hadis halang perkara tu.

   Korang percaya tak, semua nama anak-anak I, I dah berangan since I was in standard 5 lagi! Except Hamzah Al Asad. Nama Hamzah Abang yang bagi, sebab Abang nak anak pertama perempuan dan anak pertama lelaki bermula dengan huruf H, nak ikut nama Hatta. I letak syarat kat Abang, I cuma wish that semua anak-anak mengikut nama figures in Islamic history and ada gelaran “Al”, itu aje. Halimah Assaadiah, nama ibu susu Nabi Muhammad. Hamzah Al Asad, nama bapa saudara Nabi Muhammad yang syahid di medan Uhud. Fatimah Azzahrah, nama anak perempuan Nabi Muhammad. Ibrahim Al Adham, nama seorang raja yang sangat soleh dan tawadhuk. Masa Imah and Amjah, I named them with those because nak cari nama start with H. Maza Zara, I takde sebab apa-apa which triggered me to name her as such. Masa Adham, through out pregnancy, I was creazy dengar ceramah from Ustaz Tuan Ibrahim Tuan Man, anak saudara Tok Guru Nik Abd Aziz Nik Mat, baik ceramah agama mahupun politik. Masa tu I kat Kuantan, Ustaz Tuan Ibrahim ni Pesuruhjaya Pas Pahang. Pantang dengar Ustaz Tuan Ibrahim datang Kuantan, memang I angkut semua anak pergi dengar ceramah. Ada sekali tu sanggup drive sampai Jengka untuk hadir program dia. Lepas tu Abang beli DVD ceramah dia, hari-hari I dengar, sambil lipat baju yang menggunung, sempat habis 2, 3 kuliah. Bila tahu aje mengandung anak lelaki, I demanded kat Abang nak bubuh nama Ibrahim.

   Mulanya I plan nak dapat anak selang-seli, lelaki perempuan. I pernah tulis dalam blog, ada cara nak pre determine possibility whether nak dapat anak lelaki atau perempuan. Ramai jugalah yang personally hantar e-mail, asking me in private. I share setakat yang I tahu dan yang I dah amalkan selama ni. Ramai yang kagum, macam mana I boleh susun anak elok-elok, perempuan lelaki perempuan lelaki. So when this fifth pregnancy I am expecting baby boy, tentu ramai yang rasa my theory tu tak boleh dipercayai 100%. Memang la tak boleh percaya 100%, sebab keputusan akhir adalah hak mutlak Allah. Tapi I nak jelaskan kat sini, this fifth pregnancy is not planned. If it is planned, maybe I akan usaha untuk dapat baby girl, untuk meneruskan tradisi selang-seli tu. A month before I conceived, the doctor has suspected me to have secondary infertility, I might not be able to conceive again. But since I dah ada 4 anak already, this time the doctor thinks that I don’t need any fertility treatment, I just need to control my menstrual cycle to prevent chances of getting cancer. I baru nak start hormonal treatment, out of sudden I had morning sickness. I did UPT sekadar buat syarat, I even tak excited pun nak tahu how many lines, not like before. Memang terkejut gila bila doctor suruh datang tengok, there were two lines! Syukurnya, Allah masih limpahkan rezeki buat kami. So that is why this time I tak berjaya kekalkan tradisi selang-seli. But okay what, when three quarter of my friends asyik dapat baby girls, best juga kalau kitorang dapat meramaikan pulak komuniti baby boys. Bukan apa, sesekali bila our friends berhimpun, geng-geng baby girls ni boleh buat tiga empat teams bola sepak, yang baby boys nak form satu pasukan pun tak cukup!

   Kenapa “Muhammad Al Amin” is chosen this time? As I have mentioned kat atas, nama-nama anak ni I dah fikir since darjah 5 lagi. Memang Muhammad Al Amin ada dalam list. Sebabnya arwah nenek I pernah pesan kat 10 orang anak-anak dia, dalam family mesti ada letak nama Rasulullah. So my cousins yang lelaki-lelaki semua ada pangkal nama “Muhammad”. In my family, my father nak letak nama semua anak bermula dengan huruf A. Kerana tak nak namakan Muhammad, ada sorang adik lelaki I dinamakan “Ahmad”. So I pun nak buat begitu, at least sorang anak akan dinamakan sempena nama junjungan mulia Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.. By right, patutnya anak sulung lelaki awal-awal lagi dinamakan Muhammad. Tapi sebab Abang nak anak sulung lelaki bermula dengan huruf H, maka hasrat I tu ditangguh. Bila dapat anak kedua lelaki, I tengah creazy dengan nama Ibrahim pulak, so tangguh lagi. But for this third boy, rasanya tak nak tangguh dah, sebab I pun tak tahu adakah selepas ni Allah akan anugerahkan lagi I dengan anak lelaki. Actually to be frank, I pun dah lupa tentang pesan arwah nenek tu. Until late last year, one cyber friend of mine had lost her unborn baby. She named him Abdullah Amin Fahmi. She keeps writing about her Amin up until now. That triggered my memory that once upon a time, “Muhammad Al Amin” was in my list. Dah tu bila solat, lepas baca Al-Fatihah, kita sebut “Amin”. Dalam berdoa kita sebut “Amin”. Dalam tahiyyat akhir, nama Muhammad dan Ibrahim disebut berselang-seli. I pun terfikir, nanti Muhammad Al Amin dan Ibrahim Al Adham will be good brothers and can get along well together.

   Bercakap pasal nama pilihan, ramai orang kata, nama anak-anak kitorang tak gempak, tak canggih, kekampungan. Tak kisahlah, yang penting maksudnya baik. Ada juga yang kata, nama macam Fatimah Azzahrah tu dah berlambak orang bagi. Yang tu pun I tak kisah, memang kita patut berebut-rebut bagi nama anak sempena nama great figures in Islam kan? Ada yang suka bagi nama anak supaya tak sama dengan nama anak orang lain, kononnya sebab every individual is unique. Kalau nama yang unique tu ada maksud yang baik, tak kisahlah, tapi kalau sampai takde maksud, for me takde kelebihan pun nama-nama tu. Lagipun apa salahnya kalau seramai-ramai umat Islam namakan anak diorang Muhammad pun. Awal-awal lagi the whole world dah recognized and identified them as Muslims. Taklah orang tanya, “Are you Muslim?”, bila sekadar baca nama yang bunyi-bunyi Arab. Actually orang-orang Kristian dan Yahudi kat tanah Arab tu pun bagi nama bunyi-bunyi Arab jugak, so nama Arab bukan penentu Muslim atau tidak.

   Alhamdulillah atas nikmat Allah ini. Semoga Muhammad Al Amin membesar sihat dalam perut I. I dah discussed awal-awal dengan doctor. I choose normal delivery, without epidural, without episiotomy. Harap-harap Allah mudahkan semua urusan. I don’t have any plan for confinement, I don’t think I will have time untuk berpantang-pantang ni. Waktu tu dah mendaftar di Shah Alam. What a challenging motherhood awaits me ahead!

   I suka baca blogs orang. Tapi blogs yang bersifat personal, bukan blogs berunsur politik, agama, health, isu semasa dan lain-lain. For me, kalau nak additional information and knowledge pasal isu negara dan dunia, lebih baik I watch news or read newspapers and magazines, daripada baca blogs yang most of the time bersifat pandangan peribadi, penuh emosi, banyak accusations and unrealiable. Blogs bersifat peribadi pun, ada yang I suka baca, ada yang I rasa takde kepentingan sangat nak baca. Yelah, bukan semua orang kita berminat nak tahu kisah hidup dia sehari-hari. Masa cuti semester dulu, mentang-mentang ada internet unlimited access kat rumah, pagi petang siang malam I singgah kat blogs orang, selain daripada berFriendster dan membaca e-mails yang berlambak tu. But then bila dah masuk belajar balik, I takde masa nak jengah kat blogs semua orang. Computers kat library memang free, tapi Friendster kena blocked. So every time nak jengah Friendster, I have to go to cyber cafe.

   Kerana kesibukan dan susah nak access internet selalu, now I cuma ada three favourite blogs which I am the loyal reader, I baca kesemua entries and I mengikuti perkembangan those blogs. They are, mysuperchild.blogspot owned by Along Lyna who was my schoolmate in Naim Lilbanat, nooraishahzaharin.blogspot owned by a cyber friend, Kak Aishah, whom I don’t know her in person, and emmira.blogspot owned by an old friend of mine, Amira, back to our time in primary school. Cuti semester kali ni, I sibuk dengan debat. Abang is away in Arab Saudi, so I don’t go back to Kuantan. Jarang-jarang sangat I dapat access internet. Until yesterday, baru I berpeluang menjengah these three favourite blogs of mine. Itupun server slow gila. Lamanya tak baca entries diorang. I dah lost track apa yang berlaku dalam hidup tiga orang ni whom I would say, somehow they are so influential in my life, walaupun of course diorang tak tahu pun how meaningful their writings are to me.

   My eyes shed into tears membaca entries dalam mysuperchild.blogspot posted lately. Ya Allah, teruknya I sebagai kawan sebab tak ambil tahu pasal dugaan yang Allah uji kat Along Lyna and her family. She has delivered her second baby prematurely at 28 weeks of pregnancy. Allah tambah lagi ujian-Nya, her second baby boy suffered from Amniotic Band Syndrome, born as kanak-kanak istimewa. As her loyal blog reader, I mengikuti perkembangan Along Lyna through out her second pregnancy. Of course I am looking forward for her delivery due early next year, and of course I am waiting for her to continue writing about her children’s every development as what she has been doing all this while. What happened to her and her baby benar-benar meruntun perasaan I sebagai ibu.

   Yes, blog Along Lyna sangat menarik. Very informative. You baca blog dia, bukan sekadar tahu tentang kisah hidup dia sehari-hari, but Along Lyna always writes additional knowledge, especially about breastfeeding, parenting, finance and hukum hakam, these four are my favourite reading tags in her blog. She makes effort to search somewhere about many issues, and she puts them in her blog in a way that is very interesting and worth to read. Semalam I menangis gila baca her entries starting from the moment her second child was born. I kagum dengan semangat dia, bagaimana Along Lyna menerima ketentuan Allah dengan penuh redha dan fikiran positif. I was speechless to leave any comment in her blog, because I don’t think I would understand what she feels and goes through right now. Along Lyna is very committed to breastfeeding that she does whatever it takes to give her premature baby her breastmilk. Yang paling I kagum, bagaimana Along Lyna sangat positif tentang masa depan. She wrote in her blog about future, what she expects her son would be despite his condition. Kalau orang lain, awal-awal lagi dah putus harapan dan hilang semangat, even ada yang doa biar Allah ambil aje nyawa anak dia sebelum anak dia besar, nauzubillah. Along Lyna is an amazing mother indeed!

   Hari ni I baca blog nooraishahzaharin.blogspot. Again, my eyes shed into tears. She lost her third baby after 38 weeks of pregnancy. I tak pernah missed her entries, I mengikuti perjalanan Kak Aishah through out this second pregnancy, but actually she was carrying her third boy. Anak sulung dia kembar lelaki. Kak Aishah is very genuine in her writings, she pours her heart in words, she describes her daily life in a way that you can imagine it, she is her true self in her blog. Kalau dia marah, dia selamba aje express dalam blog, kalau dia happy, dia akan buat lawak bodoh, kalau dia tension, dia akan curah dalam blog. And she likes cooking very much. Banyak recipes boleh belajar dari blog dia, very simple and practical. She is very motherly. She always writes about what she cooks for her twin baby boys that make me feel like I ni ibu yang sangat pemalas sebab my kids makan simple aje.

   I don’t know her in person, tak pernah jumpa di alam nyata, but somehow I feel so close to her. I jumpa Kak Aishah dalam Friendster, waktu tu dia letak gambar her twins pakai baju Manchester United kat front page, terus I excited nak add dia, sebab takde lagi di kalangan my friends yang dapat anak kembar. Then we became cyber friends and I am her loyal blog reader. I went through her older writings, I discovered that she was having infertility problem before and her twins were conceived through IVF, itupun after several attempts. I menjiwai apa yang Kak Aishah rasa, sebab I pernah berada di tempat itu. Emotional burden yang ditanggung, hanya orang yang pernah merasanya saja yang tahu. Then when Kak Aishah was again pregnant, I was very excited, lebih-lebih lagi the baby was conceived naturally and the twins belum boleh berjalan pun lagi. I was happy that Kak Aishah dapat merasa nikmat Allah yang I dah rasa, the great feeling bila kita boleh mengandung secara natural walaupun doktor kata kita mandul. Today I am very sad knowing that Kak Aishah has lost her baby, memang menangis baca entry dia describing the moment she delivered her baby yang dah tak bernyawa. After 38 weeks of pregnancy, this is certainly not what every mother expects.

   And I juga baca emmira.blogspot. She is a very happy mother with her only son’s great development and achievement every day. Blog dia asyik cerita pasal anak aje. Her son is so adorable, tengok gambar dia dalam blog pun boleh rasa geram nak cubit-cubit. I tak pernah jumpa lagi blog seorang ibu yang describe dengan detail perkembangan anaknya dari hari ke hari. That’s why her blog becomes my favourite. I know she reads my blog too. My last entry, I was telling the whole world that I am now pregnant again, expecting my fifth child. She left her comment, telling me that she is also hardly trying to get pregnant again. Her son sebaya dengan Zara. Masa I pregnant kat Adham pun, she congratulated me and told me that she was struggling to have second baby. I know she loves children very much. Such a good mother like her deserves to have as many children as possible, sebab anak-anak dia Insya Allah terjamin akan dipelihara dan dididik dengan baik. Tapi Allah tak bagi rezeki lagi kat dia.

   Bila mengenangkan semua ni, terasa kerdil diri I di hadapan Allah. Betapa sikitnya amalan I, tapi betapa banyaknya nikmat dan rezeki Allah pada I. At 26, I am carrying my fifth child. I have already had 4 healthy, intelligent and beautiful kids. All my pregnancies were smooth and safe. All the deliveries were smooth and safe. All my kids grow up happily and healthily. Allah uji I sekejap aje, dengan masalah infertility tu. Tapi rupa-rupanya Allah nak bagi nikmat lain yang lebih besar dan berpanjangan. Ketika kawan-kawan I diuji dengan proses mengandung dan kelahiran yang bermasalah, terasa selfish pula untuk I berlebih-lebih gembira dengan kehadiran a new life in my belly. I doakan all my friends tabah, kekuatan itu Allah yang bagi, sebab tu jangan jauh dari jalan-Nya, lagi kuat kita diuji, lagi kuatlah kita berpegang pada tali-Nya. Hmm… siapa I untuk bercakap. Ujian kawan-kawan I lebih hebat dari ujian yang I terima.

   When Imah was 7 months, I got pregnant. So when Imah was 16 months, Amjah was born. When Amjah was 10 months, I got pregnant. So when Amjah was 19 months, Zara was born. When Zara was 8 months, I got pregnant. So when Zara was 17 months, Adham was born. And now… announcing to the world, I am now have been confirmed pregnant again!!! Adham is 10 months old now, and I am 8 weeks pregnant, means that this fifth baby was conceived when Adham was 8 months old. Could you see the pattern? Hahaha, so now let’s calculate, by 40, how many children we would have?!

   Before last menses, I thought that I was pregnant, because I was suffering from morning sickness. But it turned out that I was having PCOS. Then my menses came, although two months late. So this time when my menses for next cycle is late again, I didn’t bother. PCOS has affected my life so much that I quit my studies due to over depression. I thought this time I would not let myself to be drowned again by the same issue. After all, we have already had 4 wonderful kids. Kalau Allah takdirkan banyak tu aje anak-anak kami, itupun I dah cukup redha dan sangat-sangat bersyukur, sedangkan masa awal kahwin dulu, doktor cakap I mandul.

   Before Abang terbang ke Arab Saudi, I dah buat UPT, it was only one line, negative. So I rasa, sepanjang 3 bulan ketiadaan Abang di Malaysia, I boleh aktif-aktif kat kampus. That was why I participated in debate, Vice Chancellor’s Cup and Royal Debate. Debate aje la yang I nampak ada jalan, benda-benda kokurikulum lain I tak minat dan takde bakat. And I started to fill up my schedule for next year, pertandingan debat bersusun-susun sepanjang tahun. Lebih-lebih lagi I dah jadi pendebat Royal untuk UiTM, selalunya UiTM akan jaga kitorang baik-baik, any tournament diorang akan call, train and then send us. Sepanjang debate baru-baru ni, my life was gila punya hectic, to juggle between debate and motherhood was not easy. Alhamdulillah, I managed to go through. Surprisingly my little kids were all supportive. Masa tu I rasa, even ada 4 anak kecil, taklah beban sangat nak tumpu kat studies and at the same time involve dalam perkara-perkara lain.

   Now I kena atur balik hidup I. My UPT tadi turned out to be two lines, positive! Maybe when I did my first UPT before Abang pergi Arab Saudi, it was too early to detect the HCG in my urine. Lagipun I memang ada sejarah buat UPT berkali-kali for every early pregnancy before the result came out positive. I tak sangka betul! Baru dua bulan lepas doctor cakap after this I might face infertility problem again, tapi tak kisahlah, I dah pun ada 4 orang anak, what to worry about? Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah… Allah Maha Berkuasa, Maha Bijaksana, Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kami sekeluarga. My due date will be in July 2009. Waktu tu dah mendaftar di UiTM Shah Alam to pursue my degree in law. We have to start planning by now. A fifth addition to the family Insya Allah will not be a big issue to me and Abang. It is just that kitorang kena susun balik plan asal kitorang dulu, or at least sesuaikan plan asal dengan perubahan semasa.

   As soon as the doctor confirmed that I am pregnant, I terus called Abang. 12 tengah hari kat Malaysia is 7 am kat Arab Saudi. Abang tengah mamai tidur lepas solat Subuh, dia langsung tak sangka yang I nak beritahu pasal our fifth ni. Hehehe… First of all, I minta maaf dulu kat Abang, sebab dulu I dah janji nak berhenti mengandung sekejap and concentrate to finish my degree first. Hmm, actually Abang pun dah tahu, I memang takkan tunaikan janji tu. I enjoy my time being a pregnant lady, I enjoy the pain giving birth, I enjoy the moments raising the kids. Alhamdulillah, tadi Abang cool aje. What Abang worries most are, macam mana nak beritahu my parents in law, and apa reaksi kawan-kawan Abang nanti. My parents in law dah warning suruh berhenti beranak sekejap and concentrate to my studies. Kawan-kawan Abang dah mula mengejek sebab every year kitorang menghabiskan ING insurance for antenatal check ups, bersalin, kesihatan anak-anak, etc. As for me, I can’t wait to tell the kids that we are again expecting a new member to the family!

   Sabda Nabi Muhammad SAW, penyakit yang paling disukai baginda ialah demam, kerana setiap sakit itu penghapus dosa, dan bila kita demam, seluruh anggota badan terasa sakitnya, maka Insya Allah terhapuslah dosa-dosa yang dilakukan oleh anggota badan kita tu. Betul juga kan? Kalau batuk, tekak aje yang terasa perit, kalau selesema, hidung aje yang rasa tak selesa, tapi kalau demam, habis every part of the body gets affected. Right now I terasa gaya-gaya nak demam, but I couldn’t let myself to have fever now. Since last weekend up to now, all four of my kids get fever. Bermula dengan Adham, I thought demam sebab nak naik gigi. Then Zara pulak demam, sekali dengan cirit-birit dan muntah. Lepas tu Imah pun sama, and lastly, Amjah pun berjangkit juga. Now, besides fever, semua pakat cirit-birit dan muntah-muntah.

   For me, fever is a good sign. It indicates that the defence mechanism of the body works well. In other words, the body is fighting whatever intruders that enter the system, be them bacteria or viruses. Based on my past experiences, my kids ni kena viral infection, sebab tu perut diorang tak selesa. The normal defence mechanism membuatkan diorang cirit-birit, sebab perut nak excrete semua yang tak elok. Ini ayat orang kebanyakan la. I know my friends who are doctors out there yang boleh bagi medical explanation. Up to now I tak tahu apa puncanya, might be food poisoning. Maybe I pun affected juga, cuma for adults the resistance is stronger, perhaps that is why I tak suffer seteruk my children. But after a few days taking care of them, plus last minute work to finish the assignment, plus depression due to three tests last week, plus the pressure being just two weeks away from my final exam, plus not having quality rest and sleep because I have to look after them during the night… now, I rasa macam nak demam. In my case, the fever is not because of the defence mechanism, but as a reminder that my body needs a break!

   But as a mother, naluri dan kekuatan yang Allah anugerahkan pada setiap ibu membuatkan you could put aside all those weak feelings. Yes, I am too tired and depressed enough with my studies requirement, yet I have to be energetic and alert to look after the kids. I got enough lesson masa Zara kena sawan dulu, due to high fever that reached 39 degree Celcius. Masa tu Zara was 7 months old, 39 degree for adults dah cukup panas, for such a young baby apatah lagi. Sangat menakutkan menyaksikan dia kena sawan. So that’s why every time my kids demam, I memang takkan tidur malam. Every four hourly kena kejut anak-anak untuk makan ubat. The medicine is not effective instantly, so sementara badan nak cool down, kena renjiskan air kat kepala dan badan diorang. Sometimes diorang muntah dan cirit-birit at odd hours, pukul 2, 3, 4 pagi… terpaksa uruskan diorang, basuh baju, basuh toto dan cadar, mop lantai, all have to be done waktu tu juga, sebab esok pukul 8 pagi dah kena pergi kelas. Badan memang penat, but our mind surprisingly triggers the extra strength within, membuatkan kita mampu tak tidur sepanjang malam, and early next morning continue our routine as usual. I tak pernah ponteng kelas lagi setakat ini, walaupun dalam kelas, fikiran kita dok ingat kat anak. And I tak pernah fail lagi to do revision and be well prepared for every test, walaupun anak-anak tengah tak sihat and the degree of their kerenah become doubled or tripled.

   I tak bawa diorang pergi clinic, sebab balik-balik akan dapat ubat yang sama. Dah berlambak stock ubat kat rumah, and I dah tahu ubat apa yang akan diberi, so I just buy them over the counter kat pharmacy. Satu lagi yang I tak berkenan, sometimes the doctors ni, bila dia tengok kita ada insurance, unlimited coverage pulak, senang-senang aje masukkan dalam ward. Actually I seronok juga kalau my kids masuk ward, because you get help from the nurses, every hour the nurses will come and monitor. But I hate the feeling of being stucked in a room without anything to do except watching tv and uruskan anak. The specialist will come twice or thrice a day, pegang lebih kurang, cakap lebih kurang, tulis lebih kurang, and then charge you gila-gila. Actually soal bil hospital tak pernah jadi problem, because ING tanggung semua. Tapi buat apa nak bazirkan duit dan masa pada perkara yang sebenarnya boleh dielakkan. Penat kalau anak masuk ward ni, walaupun nurses tolong monitor anak kita, tapi penatnya lebih penat dari jaga sendiri anak kita in our own comfortable home. Memang la nurses yang tolong kemas cadar kena muntah, tapi nak basuh-basuh anak kita, our own toilet kat rumah lagi selesa.

   So sekarang ni I masih bertahan lagi. As long as all of my kids masih aktif despite their condition, I think they will be okay in a few days. Lepas muntah dan cirit-birit, diorang sambung punggah toys dan sepahkan rumah, bergaduh, menjerit, berlari, aktif macam biasa aje. And the most important thing is, they don’t lose their appetite. So diorang compensate balik apa yang body diorang dah hilang, taklah kena dehydration pulak. Normally kalau diorang hilang selera makan lepas muntah dan cirit-birit, at that time memang I will not take the risk, I will ask the doctor to get them warded, masuk drip. I really hope that in a few days, diorang akan sihat balik. By that time, Abang akan balik rumah Sungai Petani. Masa tu I nak qadha balik all the rest and sleep that I’ve been missing all this while. Serious sleep deprivation! I want to give some space to my body, masa tu kalau nak demam pun, demam la. Tender jaga anak boleh bagi kat Abang. Hmm… memanglah anak-anak ini ujian Allah buat kita…

   Hari ni I tak puasa. I terjaga at 5.40 am, even though ada 10 minutes before azan Subuh, I tak sempat makan or minum apa-apa sebab kena rushed solat Isyak. Padan muka, siapa suruh tak solat sebelum tidur. I can bear berpuasa without sahur. But I can’t bear the morning sickness I am having lately. Yes, morning sickness, which is associated with early pregnancy, particularly within first trimester. I am sure I am having morning sickness. I have four experiences before, even though the degree of each morning sickness differs.

   But I am not pregnant! 4 pregnancy test kits came out with only one line, they were all negative. My period has delayed several weeks. I dah start alami kencing tak lawas. Because of all the doubts, yesterday I was referred to an obstetrician, Dr Teh, yang sambut Adham last February. Batal puasa I buat vaginal scan. Then it became clear that I have PCOS. Hearing the word “PCOS” is no more surprise to me. Masa baru-baru kahwin dulu memang I was diagnosed with PCOS, yang membuatkan doctor made conclusion that I was infertile, sampaikan I sakit jiwa and decided to quit my studies. But yesterday I was surprised being able to see inside my both ovaries, thanks to the advanced technology of the ovary scanner. Yes, there are a lot of cysts inside both of them, the counts are above normal. Dr Teh cakap, I am very lucky to already have 4 kids who were all naturally conceived without external help. Normally women who have PCOS have to deal with fertility issue. I asked Dr Teh, is PCOS harmful? He said, no, only that PCOS will cause hormonal imbalance, as what I am suffering now. Agaknya my hormones tengah bengong sampaikan they confuse my body that konon-kononnya I am pregnant la.

   Okay, now I am having hormonal imbalance. Sakit jiwa tau bila kita suffer morning sickness, but we are actually not pregnant. Period tak datang, that is another issue. Bukanlah I seronok sangat nak tinggal solat dan puasa sebab datang haid. But for normal healthy woman, you should have your menses regularly, or else it is a sign of some health problems. Dr Teh cakap, kalau I tak datang period for 6 months, I should get medical help, because there might be chance of getting cancer later on. Huh!!! Sakitnya jiwa…

   PCOS is the reason why I langsung tak pernah ambil apa-apa contraception, in other words, kenapa I tak pernah fikir pasal family planning. Orang tertanya-tanya, kenapa tiap-tiap tahun I get pregnant, tak penat ke, tak rancang ke, tak fikir kesihatan tubuh badan sendiri ke, dan macam-macam lagi. Even sometimes Abang pun asks me to consider untuk menjarakkan anak. I always want a big family. I want at least 10 kids, call me creazy. I got married at 20, kalau I buat family planning, boleh aje I mengandung 2 tahun sekali, by 40 dah cukup 10 kids. Apa yang nak dikejar sangat kan? But this PCOS becomes my constraint. I tak tahu sampai bila Allah nak kurniakan I kesuburan. Bila-bila masa Allah boleh tarik. Silap-silap, at 30 I dah tak subur, nauzubillah… Sekarang ni pun, if I tell doctors about my PCOS history, the doctors can hardly believe that now I manage to have 4 kids in 5 years without any medical help. Balik dari hospital semalam, I sebak tengok keletah anak-anak. Rasa macam tak percaya, I adalah seorang ibu. Fertility issue sangat dekat dengan jiwa I, because I had experience dealing with it.

   I am so sad right now. Someone I adore very much hurts my feeling. It really hurts to start hating someone who has special place in your heart. I would not mention who is the one, but I will always remember that while writing this entry, I betul-betul sangat sedih dan kecewa on how the way that person treated me. I think sanjungan I pada dia terlalu tinggi hinggakan I tak sampai hati nak benci kat dia. Today I sent SMS kat dia, telling how I am feeling right now, but I think that person would not care at all, it’s up to dia la. Yang penting dia tahu what is my perception. Yes, I have changed my perception kat dia. Susahnya nak benci kat dia, I rasa dia tak patut dibenci, tapi perasaan I sangat terluka, maka I decided untuk benci kat dia.

   Demikianlah manusia. Manusia ada kelemahan dan kekurangan, sebab tu jangan berlebih-lebih menyukai seseorang dan jangan berlebih-lebih membenci seseorang. So I decided untuk benci kat dia, tapi tak nak benci sangat, nak benci sikit aje. Hahaha… tergelak pulak, memanglah I dah bengong! Terpujuk sedikit hati ini, bahawa manusia tidak sempurna. Sebagaimana sometimes I melakukan kesalahan, merendah diri memohon maaf dan mengharap kemaafan, begitu jugalah orang lain. So I maafkan dia kerana kata-katanya itu, walaupun sangat mustahil dia akan meminta maaf.

   After few days I memendam rasa, even kat Abang pun I tak cerita, but now I rasa I kena lepaskan juga, and medannya ialah in my blog. Abang is not a good listener, but he is a great companion, it’s just that now Abang sangat busy and I could hardly find time untuk berkongsi rasa dengan Abang. Abang sangat liat nak baca my blog, I cakap kat Abang, I have many loyal blog readers, but when it comes to Abang, I have to force him to read my writings. Rasanya few months lepas I post this entry, baru Abang will come accross it. Tak kisahlah. I love him just the way he is. Ala… zaman bercinta dulu pun Abang macam ni jugak. All my love letters to Abang bukan Abang yang simpan, mak dia yang tolong simpan, siap ada label lagi! Bila I dah kahwin dengan Abang, my mother in law bagi satu beg surat-surat I kat Abang, since kami dah kahwin, she asked me untuk simpan sendiri, menyemak rumah dia, katanya. Hehehe…

   Usually I am strong, I can absorb many types of pressure, I am daring, berani. Tengoklah isu elaun tu, I fight gila-gila, tak takut langsung whatever ugutan I terima. Alih-alih I boleh kecil hati kat benda kecil macam ni. I know why I am feeling this way. Semakin lama I semakin sure that now I am in my first trimester, walaupun my second UPT was still negative. I dah recognize this type of feeling, you react to something emotionally, irrationally, sensitively, secara immature, mengikut perasaan yang berbolak-balik. Yes, every time I was in my first trimester, this is what I was going through.

   Since I dah tahu what is wrong with me, kenapa I sangat sedih sekarang, kenapa I terlalu kecil hati pada perkara sedemikian, so I will stop thinking about it. Biarkan saja angin membawa ia pergi, oleh kerana angin tak bertiup sekarang, letak kipas kat depan muka, biar angin kipas tiup perkara itu jauh-jauh. Pregnant ladies memang super sensitive, so kepada siapa-siapa yang tengah pregnant tu, banyakkan mengingati Allah supaya jiwa tak berkecamuk dalam menghadapi perubahan hormon yang menggila ni. Kita tak boleh expect the whole world tolerate dengan perasaan kita, kita yang berkuasa menentukan corak pemikiran dan reaksi kita terhadap sesuatu perkara. Yes, I am sad now. Tapi percayalah, beberapa bulan lagi, I akan kutuk diri sendiri, “La, benda bodoh macam tu pun boleh melebih-lebih kecil hati…!”

   Pagi tadi Abang angkat anak-anak, diorang masih tidur, Abang susun atas tilam. Kelakar tengok, berderet aje 4 orang. Imah learned from Mickey Mouse Club House kat PHDC Astro, big medium small. Dulu masa Adham belum lahir, Imah cakap, “Imah big, Amjah medium, Zara small.” Tapi lepas Adham dah lahir, Imah got confused, macam mana nak describe adik-beradik dia? Last night Imah tengok perut I, dia tanya, “Kenapa perut ibu gemuk?” I told her, Ibu nak dapat baby baru kot. Imah pun tanya, “Nanti jadi 5 orang ke? Kenapa ramai aje anak-anak ibu?” She was excited, terus berlari nak inform kat Abang and Cece.

   Actually I am not sure yet. Yes, I’m fat. Sejak bersalinkan Adham, my weight tak nak turun-turun, macam sebelum ni. Before this senang aje, tak pernah risau pun. Sebelum pregnant Imah, my weight was 46 kg, a day before bersalinkan Imah my weight was 56 kg, a day after bersalin Imah my weight turun dengan senangnya ke 47 kg. Tak payah aerobic, tak payah makan jamu, tak payah bengkung. So everytime pregnant, bersalin, berat I main kat area situ aje. I am small, only 149 cm height. So sangatlah buruk kalau I ni gemuk. That’s why sepanjang cuti semester ni oleh kerana takde benda lain nak fikir, I asyik fikir on how to lose weight. Konon nak buat aerobic, tak sampai seminit dah give up, sebab tak pernah buat sebelum ni. I terfikir, the only accepted reason untuk jadi gemuk ialah kalau you pregnant, takde siapa nak question about your weight gain.

   Sejak 3 minggu lepas I mula rasa macam I have morning sickness. Actually I was-was juga sebenarnya. Takkan kot? Adham baru 3 bulan setengah. And we do take precaution, I tengah belajar, tak plan lagi nak tambah anak dalam masa terdekat. Actually I ni memang gila beranak. Gila tak kalau I cakap, I plan, by the time I graduate, we already have 7 kids? Hahaha… Memang bengong betul! Tapi tu cakap kat mulut aje. Our main constraint sekarang adalah duit. Ni baru 4 orang anak pun dah sesak semacam. Bayar nursery je dah RM700 ++! Susu toksah cakap la, Enfagrow A+ dah naik harga dari RM75 ke RM87 setin, dah la berat kurang from 1.8 kg to 1.7 kg, and my kids minum susu bertin-tin sebulan. Adham masih breastfeeding, cuti-cuti ni fully breastfeeding. Nanti dah masuk belajar, of course kena beli susu Adham pulak. And kalau betul I am pregnant, nampak gayanya Adham kena fully on formula. Bertambah lagi expenses!

   Masa I cakap kat Abang yang I think I have morning sickness, Abang gelabah. Yelah, rasa macam tak logik. Last week buat UPT, negative. Tapi UPT doesn’t work on me. Masa Imah dulu, 6 kali buat UPT baru positive. Anak-anak lain pun macam tu, 3, 4 kali buat baru turned two lines. I know what’s happening on my body, this is not my first time. My period tak datang, bangun pagi rasa melayang, loya semacam, asyik lapar aje tapi tak lalu makan, pening kepala sepanjang hari, badan rasa lemah dan malas, mood tak baik… Hah, what is the best explaination for those symptoms? Cuma satu aje yang I tengah tunggu, symptom kerap kencing, sekarang ni tak rasa lagi. Normally kalau baru-baru pregnant, you akan selalu rasa nak kencing.

   Alih-alih pagi tadi Abang boleh cakap, “Best jugak kalau anak-anak ramai ni! Nanti dah tua, seronok aje tengok anak ramai!” I was surprised. Okaylah, Abang dah ready la tu nak botak kepala cari duit nak bela I dengan anak-anak. I ni lambat lagi nak graduate, lambat lagi nak kerja untuk bantu Abang cari duit. Dah la fuel naik, RM2.70, gila ke apa government ni? Negara kita pengeluar minyak, janganlah nak samakan harga dengan negara yang takde minyak. I bengang betul, kalau minyak naik, cuba cakap apa barang takkan naik harga? Dah la Abang ulang-alik Kuantan-Sungai Petani, for sure bus ticket pun naik menggila lepas ni. I thought now is not a good time to get a news that your wife is pregnant again. But then Abang is happy aje, dia pulak yang melebih-lebih dah start cari nama anak.

   Err… memandai aje I ni. Tak confirm lagi pun I ni pregnant ke tak. Yesterday Cece datang rumah, she is now in her final year in medicine. I tanya Cece, boleh tak tolong check perut I, boleh tak dia predict whether I am pregnant or not. Cece cakap, kalau baru-baru lagi, womb tak keluar lagi from the bone, so tak boleh rasa. Ooo… Tapi hari tu masa I pergi mengurut, kakak tu cakap, rahim I besar, tak kecut macam sepatutnya rahim perempuan lepas bersalin. Entahlah… Tunggu ajelah sampai betul-betul confirm.

   Dari mula masuk belajar lagi I dah planned, nak reveal my first GPA in my blog. Because it will be my benchmark, tanda aras untuk menentukan whether kepala otak I dah berkarat ke belum, is it worth it I sambung belajar balik, is it worth it semua orang berkorban untuk I especially Abang and anak-anak, and adakah I have potential untuk menyumbang sesuatu kepada agama dan negara in future? After the final exam last April, I wasn’t sure about my performance, especially paper law yang sangat menakutkan. Masa tu terfikir juga, padan muka I kalau first semester result ni tak bagus, but I will reveal it anyway, because I want everybody to judge my decision nak sambung belajar balik.

   I was not in formal education for 6 years tau! My husband has good job with good pay, dah beli rumah sendiri kat Kuantan, I already have kids yang berderet-deret, so is it wise untuk sambung belajar balik? Dah la masa tu tengah sarat mengandung anak keempat. Buat law pulak tu. Ada orang nasihatkan I, kalau ye pun nak belajar, ambil ajelah course yang senang, yang simple, janji ada status a degree holder. But just having a degree is not the main thing yang I cari. I cari kepuasan diri, I nak buat sesuatu yang I minat, sesuatu yang I rasa I boleh berjaya. And I nak jadi kaya! Jahat tak kalau ada cita-cita nak jadi kaya? That’s why kena jadi lawyer, baru boleh kaya. Hehehe…

   Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! I got GPA 3.93! Rasa macam tak percaya. Paper law yang I takut sangat tu, I dapat A-. I harap bukan markah kesian, I betul-betul harap I really deserve for it. Sebab nak jadi lawyer, of course la you kena score dalam law subjects. Masa dapat tahu result, I melompat macam budak-budak, menjerit memekik, terlupa pulak yang I ni a mother of four, dah tua dah… I called Abang, menjerit happily dalam telefon. Abang is proud of me. Huh… rasa macam penat dan tension sepanjang semester lepas berbaloi!

   Let me recall what happened during last semester. For the first time, I dan anak-anak hidup berjauhan dari Abang, 700 km away. We have a new life, a new surrounding, a new house yang lebih kecil dan kurang selesa berbanding our home in Kuantan. Imah goes to new school, anak-anak pergi taska baru, with new friends, new babysitters. I terpaksa berdikari, selama ni dah biasa Abang tolong itu ini, but then I was on my own. Abang ulang-alik Kuantan-Sungai Petani a few times a month, memang costly, meletihkan, time consuming. Kesian kat Abang. Kewangan memang sesak. Luckily we get strong financial supports from my parents in law, my parents, my siblings… takde duit aje, hutang diorang, dapat gaji bayar balik, then hutang balik. Hmm… bonus Abang this year rasanya habis kat bayar hutang aje.

   I was in my third trimester of my fourth pregnancy. Penat pergi kelas, turun naik tangga, ada kelas kat tingkat 4, memang mengah nak panjat. 3 days a week ada kelas start pukul 8 pagi, but I never missed any, try la tanya my lecturers, my attendance throughout the semester is 100%. Despite kena bangun malam a few times untuk bancuh susu anak-anak, changing diapers, jaga anak-anak sakit waktu malam, but I still managed untuk tak pernah ponteng my morning classes. I pernah jadi part time teacher dulu. So I tahu macam mana perasaan seorang guru bila anak murid asyik ponteng, main-main dalam kelas, tak siap homework, tak excel dalam studies. That’s why I really respect my lecturers.

   In February I bersalin. Ahad bersalin, Rabu dah pergi kelas. It was not easy, but I determined untuk komited with my studies. Jangan menyusahkan orang. Ada lecturers nak buat tests, they asked whether I could be available sebab nak selaraskan masa. Waktu tu manalah kita tahu bila nak bersalin, but I told the lecturers, tak payah consider about me, just give the date, and I’ll be there. Minggu pertama tu Adham kena tahan kat ward. I drove sendiri pergi hospital hantar expressed breast milk 4 times a day. Pukul 5 pagi hantar susu, 6.30 pagi urus anak-anak, 8 pagi pergi kelas. Between classes rushed lagi pergi hospital untuk breastfeed. Sangat penat. Abang pulak tak dapat balik sebab asyik kena panggil over time. Mujur ayah datang accompanied me for few weeks, kalau tidak rasanya teruk I kena postnatal blues.

   I berpantang kat library, between classes lepak kat library sebab I tak boleh masuk hostel because I am a non resident student. Aircond kat library sejuk gila, sejuk-sejuk tak bagus untuk perempuan dalam pantang, so I pakai tebal-tebal, makan ubat yang bidan bagi betul-betul. Sometimes rasa menggigil, I masuk duduk dalam kereta, parking kat tempat paling panas, tutup aircond, berkurung dalam kereta sampai badan rasa panas. Dalam pantang kena banyak rehat, banyak kali I tidur dalam library, buat bodoh aje walaupun I tahu mesti nampak dalam CCTV punya. Habis kelas pukul 4, I drove pergi tempat bidan untuk mengurut dan bertangas. Balik rumah, jaga anak-anak. Menangis, nak susu, nak makan, bergaduh, berak kencing, sedar-sedar dah pukul 10 malam. Ada sekali tu Zara demam panas. Sepanjang malam I tak tidur sebab monitor dia, Zara pernah kena sawan, so kena take extra precaution. A few times juga I angkut anak-anak pergi klinik pukul 2 pagi sebab diorang demam panas. Esoknya ada kelas pukul 8, but I still didn’t fail untuk pergi kelas.

   That’s why bila dapat tahu I get 3.93, I menghela nafas panjang. Allah Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang, Maha Adil. Alhamdulillah I tak sia-siakan pengorbanan Abang dan anak-anak. Alhamdulillah I berjaya impress everybody, I dapat buat ramai orang tumpang bangga, especially Abang, my parents and my parents in law. I received a very touching SMS from my mother in law, she is very proud of me. Actually she is the very first person yang asyik encouraged I sambung belajar, walaupun at first everybody showed hesitation including Abang. Insya Allah lepas ni I akan usaha sungguh-sungguh to make sure my CGPA is extra ordinary, despite my status as a wife, a mother of four, and mungkinkah I am a pregnant lady… again?

   I never had any major operation done on me, it means that I tak pernah dapat general anaesthesia. Local anaesthesia pernah. I ambil epidural masa nak bersalinkan Imah sebab dah 3 hari sakit bersalin, the doctor was afraid of my condition waktu tu. Another 3 deliveries, I refused untuk ambil epidural walaupun doctor offered. Besides that, I pernah undergone full mouth rehabilitation sebab problem gigi yang I hadapi. Dalam mulut I ni ada 13 crowns, ada facing, pernah buat bleaching, cuci, tampal, root canal, buang all my geraham bongsu, macam-macam la… And each time I buat treatment tu, berkali-kali la kena suntik ubat bius dalam gusi, kat pipi, kat rahang. My friends yang dah jadi dentist tu, you tahu la kan prosesnya.

   I pernah dengar cakap orang, kononnya setiap kali kita dapat general anaesthesia, umur kita akan pendek 6 tahun. Ye ke? Tak tahu la ada scientific proof ke tak, tapi somehow I terpengaruh juga. In my family, I tak dapat recall if any of my siblings ada yang pernah kena operate, rasanya takde. Masa kecil-kecil, kitorang sakit-sakit biasa aje, demam, batuk, selesema. I still remember, kalau ada sorang aje demam, tak lama lepas tu berjangkit adik-beradik. Ayah pun bawa kitorang pergi Klinik Fauziah kat Ampang, buat rombongan, berderet macam anak itik. Ada la sesekali insiden patah tangan, luka yang dalam sampai kena jahit, tu aje. And pernah sekali Amad, Ali and Kakak masuk ward sebab food poisoning. Mak bersalinkan 10 anak, semuanya normal, takde caesarean langsung, walaupun masa bersalinkan twins.

   So I memang takde experience or knowledge pasal general anaesthesia ni. Nak tanya siapa pun tak tahu. Abang pernah kena operate sebab ada ketumbuhan kat leher dia, a couple of years back. Masa tu Abang chose untuk ambil general instead of local anaesthesia, sebab dia memang penakut tengok darah. Abang tak banyak cerita pasal the whole process, Abang cuma cakap, memang tak sedar langsung. He was counting from 10 to 1, tapi belum sampai nombor 1 dia dah already tak sedar. That’s all info yang I ada.

   Last week Amjah had an operation, dental clearance. Because he is only 3, so doctor decided untuk bagi general anaesthesia. It was truly a heart breaking experience for me. Amjah is still minor, so as parent I was allowed untuk masuk operation theatre, to accompany him until he was fully unconscious. Dapat la experience tukar baju untuk masuk bilik bedah, signed consent forms, tengok alatan kat situ, dapat appreciate the procedure, got impressed tengok staff kat situ… I takut tengok patients lain yang tengah queue untuk dibedah, I pulak yang berdebar. 

   Amjah was brave, he totally did not have any idea what was going on, but he was cooperative, ikut aje arahan. We registered in day care ward at 7 am. I bawa Amjah and Adham, I tak boleh tinggal Adham because he is breastfeeding. Abang jaga Imah and Zara. Dah siap mandi, nurse pakaikan Amjah baju pesakit, he was excited sebab semua orang macam bagi special attention kat dia. Luckily Adham felt asleep the whole morning, so everything was running smoothly as planned.

   Masa nak bius tu, doctor tunjuk satu belon warna hitam. Dia suruh Amjah tiup kat corong sampai belon tu besar. Amjah bersungguh-sungguh dan bersemangat sangat. Kebetulan baru-baru ni we attended a family day, ada game tiup belon, so Amjah got excited. Dia tiup, but after a few blows, dia rasa tak selesa. The doctor then bagi dia hidu gas yang wangi, tukar corong. Lepas tu Amjah bersemangat balik tiup corong tu. Tiba-tiba dia menjerit, “Tak nak la…!!!” I rasa dia started rasa tak selesa. Dia mula meronta, nurses pegang dia, Amjah melawan balik, dia cubit tangan nurses tu. He is a fighter indeed. Waktu kritikal macam tu boleh tergelak kitorang, although deep inside I rasa sedih memaksa Amjah melalui that moment. Lepas tu Amjah terus tak sedar. The process just took about 5 minutes. I pun tak sangka sekejap aje rupanya proses nak bius ni.

   Then I tunggu kat ward. Actually I boleh tunggu kat kawasan bilik bedah tu, tapi I kena fikirkan Adham juga, takut Adham terjaga untuk menyusu. I believed, Amjah was in good hands. I was so tired because the night before I had a long distant driving, but I couldn’t sleep at all, every minute I was thinking about Amjah. 2 jam lepas tu, nurses berlari ke ward, informed me yang Amjah dah siap operation, dia dah sedar, he was screaming for me. Mujur Adham tengah tidur lepas menyusu. I pun berlari ke bilik bedah balik, salin baju, terus pergi kat Amjah.

   I will never forget the moment I saw him after the operation. Amjah masih mamai sebab kesan ubat bius, tapi dia jadi tenang as soon as dia nampak I datang. Mulut dia masih berdarah. I tanya nurses, dia rasa sakit tak. Nurses cakap, tak. But Amjah was crying and screaming. Dia marah semua orang yang cuba pegang dia, except me. Dia tak nak selimut, tak nak pakai baju, tak nak semua. My heart was broken seeing my son macam tu. I angkat Amjah dari katil, I dukung dia, I cuddled him like a baby until he stopped crying. Mata I bergenang, tapi I mesti kuat kalau I nak Amjah kuat. Waktu tu I peluk Amjah sungguh-sungguh, biar dia rasa selamat, biar dia rasa Ibu akan protect dia dari semua perkara tak menyenangkan yang dia lalui hari tu.

   Until today Amjah is still recovering. Benang jahitan dalam mulut dia tak tercabut lagi. I take extra alert on him, tanya dia from time to time, whether dia rasa sakit tak. I never forget untuk bagi ubat tahan sakit ikut schedule. Now I faham kenapa bila kita tengok drama, kalau ada babak orang baru sedar dari pengsan, pertama sekali dia akan sebut nama orang yang sangat penting dalam hidup dia. Macam Abang operate dulu, sedar-sedar aje, he called for me. So did Amjah. I rasa bersyukur menjadi orang yang penting dalam hidup Abang and anak-anak.

   I ada sifat diri, do it at my very best or don’t do it at all. Tak tahulah itu sifat yang baik atau sebaliknya. I always make sure I do the best I could, try to reach the highest possibility. But then bila I rasa I tak dapat bagi full commitment, I akan quit, even sometimes dah sangat close dengan matlamat. Itulah yang berlaku bila I ambil keputusan untuk berhenti belajar, ketika fakulti perubatan dah dekat untuk dicapai. I tak boleh concentrate, I couldn’t give my best, I was very sure I takkan berjaya dengan keadaan physically and emotionally unstable macam tu. My mind was kept thinking about infertility, infertility, mandul, mandul, all the time.

   The three most important things were, I love Abang very much, and I love our marriage, and I love myself. Semuanya menjurus kepada soal anak, I nak pregnant, I nak ada anak, sebab I tak nak kehilangan Abang, or jeopardize our marriage, or merasa diri tidak sempurna sebagai seorang wanita yang takde zuriat. That’s why I quit my studies. Alhamdulillah I got strong support from ayah and Abang. I was not sure about mak’s feeling, masa tu I didn’t bother pun untuk ambil tahu, I was self-centred, but I rasa mak sangat kecewa waktu tu. So did my parents in law. I think ramai yang kecewa dengan tindakan I. Best student sejak tadika sampai SPM telah mensia-siakan masa depannya… maybe itulah yang semua orang fikir, but I didn’t care!

   I tak berapa ingat macam mana I managed to start my fertility treatment despite doctor’s hesitation, because I was still young and baru kahwin tak sampai setahun, normally kena tunggu beberapa tahun kahwin baru layak buat treatment. I started with hormone pills, I ingat lagi, namanya Clomid, bertujuan untuk rangsang pengeluaran telur. Suggested maximum trial is 3 cycles, kalau tak berjaya juga, maybe should consider other methods. But after 2 cycles, they both failed. Memang kecewa sangat bila datang period. Menangis tak henti-henti. Tengok budak kecil tepi jalan pun boleh bergenang air mata. To start next step of fertility treatment, I memang tak mampu, doctor pun macam tak willing nak tolong, duit pun takde. I was alone, that was what I felt. Semua tindakan I buat sorang-sorang, I didn’t share with anyone, even dengan Abang pun, I tak cerita kat Abang yang I ambil pills tu.

   After 2 cycles yang failed, I gave up untuk teruskan cycle ketiga. Penat dan letih rasanya untuk kecewa. My emotional burden waktu tu tak tahu nak describe macam mana. Sampai satu masa, I realized yang the only One tempat I boleh mengadu ialah Allah. Masa tu I rasa, even suami tercinta pun takkan dapat selami perasaan I. Demikianlah manusia, bila ada masalah, baru nak ingat Allah. I rasa sangat dekat dengan Allah dalam sujud, ketika I buat solat tahajjud, solat hajat dan solat taubat setiap malam. I rasa jiwa sangat tenang dapat solat berjemaah di masjid setiap hari. Waktu tu kami tinggal di Kerteh, Abang tengah praktikal. Hari-hari Abang bawa I ke masjid. Bila dikenang-kenang, terasa rindu nak mengecapi kekhusyukan dan kesyahduan solat yang pernah I rasa waktu kat Kerteh tu, ketika diri terasa sangat lemah dan tak berdaya, ketika sangat mengharapkan kasih sayang Allah. Tak berhenti-henti I berdoa, kurniakanlah kami zuriat, dengan penuh keyakinan bahawa Allah Maha Berkuasa. Tak kira apa doktor cakap, Allah lagi Powerful, kalau Dia kata jadi, maka jadilah.

   Alhamdulillah, Allah makbulkan doa-doa I yang tak henti-henti tu. Without any treatment, without any medication, 13 January 2003 I was confirmed pregnant!!! Itupun setelah buat UPT (urine pregnancy test) kali keenam! Lima ujian air kencing sebelum tu semuanya negative, menambah perasaan kecewa, but at the same time menambah pengharapan dan pergantungan I pada Allah. Each time UPT was negative, I balik rumah waiting for my menses, tapi tak datang-datang juga. Rupa-rupanya I tengah pregnant! Everybody was excited, maklumlah, cucu pertama. Abang menjerit-jerit riang dalam bilik doktor, macam budak-budak, macam tak sesuai aje lagi nak jadi ayah! I couldn’t believe the news, I minta test kit UPT tu dari doctor, for days I asyik merenung kit tu, to affirm myself yang memang there were two lines!

   Tapi seronok untuk a few weeks aje. Tiba-tiba satu hari tu, I had vaginal bleeding, rasanya masa third month of the pregnancy. Perut pun tak besar lagi. I pergi buat check up, berdebar-debar tunggu result. Then the doctor told me, I keguguran! Kecewa, kecewa, kecewa… Balik rumah, menangis dan menangis. Allah masih nak uji I.

To be continued…